3 Steps to Turn Stumbling Blocks into Steppingstones
Today marks my daughter’s 32nd birthday. It's incredible to witness how quickly my children are approaching middle age—it's a reminder that I'm not as young as I once was.
I have a list of questions that I am answering to share with my family. I'm dedicating myself to answering a question each day. Originally, these questions were meant for my mother. I sent them to her just before she passed away in 2009 from lung cancer. My hope was to learn more about her and gain her wisdom after her passing, but sadly, I missed that opportunity. (The questions are listed below.) Since then, I've decided to record my answers for the benefit of my family.
Today’s question is, “What are some challenges that have shaped who you are?” There have been several challenges that have influenced me in both positive and, if I'm honest, negative ways. I grew up with an emotionally and physically abusive father. As I grew older, I believed these experiences made me stronger. Whether it was volunteering abroad for 19 months as a young adult, joining the military, or facing other challenges, I felt I had an advantage over those who had a more typical childhood. At the time, it didn't occur to me then that many in my age group had faced even more difficult family situations than my own.
As I've "matured," I've encountered other challenges—inevitable in life. I often joke that I'm an orphan, having lost my last grandparent in 2003, followed by my mother, older sister, and then my father. My sister passed away in 2013 from an “alleged” drug overdose. I've survived car accidents, typhoons, and the traumatic experience of my eight-year-old son being life-flighted for emergency surgery after a severe accident that changed his life. I also faced danger serving as a combat medic in Iraq and have been exposed to a range of traumatic experiences in my role as a psychotherapist.
My takeaway from these life experiences isn't merely the belief that a mindset of “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I believe there's a delicate balance. We're all wired differently, and depending on our genetics and life experiences, there's a point where adversity and trauma can lead to resilience—something called post-traumatic growth—and a point where they can diminish our coping abilities.
But what if we find ourselves in the latter category? How can we use adversity instead of being overwhelmed by it? There is hope. I’d like you to consider these three steps to turning stumbling blocks into steppingstones.
The first step is awareness. What is influencing me to react negatively? What are the connections between my reaction and my past experiences? What am I feeling? Where in my body am I feeling this emotion?
Uncomfortable emotions are there to serve and help us. We can choose to resist, run, and hide from them, or we can choose to be curious and use non-judgmental awareness when we experience these uncomfortable feelings. Becoming the non-judgmental observer is where our healing begins. When we resist, run, and/or hide from our discomfort, we may find temporary relief, but we distance ourselves from healing and remain "stuck" and often miserable.
Next, find healthy ways to process our emotions. What are some of the thoughts that accompany these emotions? If we struggle with this part, it might be better to ask ourselves what likely thoughts accompany our emotions. Sometimes, writing down this question and following it with whatever comes to mind can be helpful. For example, having grown up in an environment where I felt demeaned and made to feel small and unworthy, I tend to have a radar for criticism. I have learned that sometimes I tend to over-react if I interpret a certain tone, facial expression, or words as hostile. There was no intent for the person communicating with me to be hurtful. As I explore this anger, if I dig deep enough, there are thoughts beneath the surface such as "I am not worth a damn," or "I am a failure." We can choose to acknowledge these thoughts and even take it a step further to question their accuracy.
Finally, a step we can take toward post-traumatic growth is to find ways to use our situation to our advantage. This brings us back to the question “What are some challenges that you have faced that have shaped who you are?” Asking questions (and writing your questions and answers down can help) like what can I learn from this? What is my sadness, my anger, my anxiety trying to tell me? Is there something I can use from this to help me? Is this a repeat message? (Often, when we are stuck and experience repetitive episodes where we react in unhealthy ways, these can be important messages for us to consider and work on) can have a powerful effect on our mindset that is liberating and healing.
I'll conclude with an idea I recently encountered. When facing adversity, we have two choices: we can react in unhealthy ways such as aggression, fear, or avoidance and turn our discomfort into misery, or we can react with acceptance, non-judgmental curiosity, and even gratitude. Choosing the latter can open doors to hope and healing and lead us to discover happiness and joy in this world even in the midst of the worst challenges this life throws our way.
Questions (The following questions are from a personal reflection series):
Growing up as a child, what was your earliest memory?
What were you afraid of?
What fascinated you?
What do you remember about your mom and dad that stands out from your childhood?
What are some happy memories? What were you looking forward to?
What did you dread?
What are some not-so-happy memories?
Tell me about the friends you played with growing up?
What were your favorite games and pastimes?
What were your favorite foods?
What did you do for fun? How did you deal with boredom?
What TV/Radio programs did you enjoy listening to?
Who were some of your favorite relatives? Why did you consider them your favorites?
What are some of your favorite memories of your brother?
What was your mom and dad's marriage like?
What values do you think you took from your mom that shaped who you are? What about your dad?
What regrets do you have with your mom or dad?
What were your favorite memories of mom and/or dad?
What was going to school like? Did you have favorite subjects, teachers?
Did you like going to school? Did you fit in? What were your least favorite subjects?
What crowd did you fit into?
Did you consider yourself a smart kid?
What did you like/dislike about your religious upbringing?
What would you get in trouble for most often?What would you risk doing over and over, even though it might be painful or might get you in trouble?
How many friends did you have growing up? Did you consider yourself a very outgoing person?
Would you stand up for what is right? Do you remember any times in your life where you had to stand up for what is right and how did that turn out?
What frightened you growing up?
What were some scary experiences you had growing up?
What were some funny experiences you had?
What are some challenges that you have faced that have shaped who you are?
Did you always want to be a mom/dad?
What was the best part of being a mom/dad?
What was the hard part?
What do you wish you had done differently as a mom?
What do you think you did well?
What are your favorite memories?
What would your parting message be to each of your kids? What do you want them to know? What advice would you give them? What are your hopes for each child?
How would you like to be remembered?
What are you proud of in your life? What are you proud of in each of your children?
What qualities do you admire in others?
Looking back on your life, do you think you have lived a full life? Are there things you still want to do, accomplish, or see?